Chinese New Year with a message.

Just when I thought Chinese New Year is boring and typical, this year's visit to relatives' places gave me a lesson and something that I'm ashamed of.

It was actually Day 2 of Chinese New Year and it has always been a tradition to go to my maternal grandparents' house for visiting. When my grandmother saw my younger brother and me, she cried.

That was when it struck me.

When was the last time I visited her? I can still remember vividly that when we were in primary/secondary school, my dad would fetch us to our grandmothers' house during June and December holidays every single day.

I remembered watching Pokemon on Kids Central, while my grandmother cooked porridge for us. During my polytechnic days, the visits became lesser; from daily to weekly.

During my National Service days, it was worse. I was either partying, or went out with my friends every weekend. My visits became from bi-monthly to at times, 3-4 months once. I remembered my grandma tearing when she learnt I was heading to overseas 9 weeks for military purposes.

Come to think of it, I'm truly ashamed of myself. The house which I grew up in, the fridge was always filled with soft drinks when my grandparents know we're coming. Why does it feel so distant now?

At times we as youngsters have many dreams and commitments to fulfill, we tend to neglect our parents and grandparents, and that we forget that as we're growing, they're growing old.

This visit really affected me a lot, and I made a promise to myself to visit my grandparents whenever I have the chance.

Ah ma and ah kong, I'm sorry. But I promise to come back often.

2013.

School's starting tomorrow, and it's a brand new semester.

I've learned a painful lesson weeks ago, and I'm determined not to repeat the mistake again. These 2 months of work made me realise a lot.

Reflecting back on 2012, it's been one hell of a journey, a tumultuous ride. I'm not gonna recap on all the things that happened, but let's just say I'm thankful for the people I've met.


On a side note, an opportunity came knocking on my door for the second time since my stint as a promoter 6 years ago.

This creative director decided to offer me a job and even an internship while she was buying.. um bedsheets.

Trust me, I'm still reeling from shock and dumbfounded as I type this.

Anyway, it's a brand new year and I'm back to school. Will work harder than before, and with more time for photography.

"No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up for life."

My circumstances are making me stronger, but it's not enough. I'm so worried about my family. Honestly. At the age of 23, I often ask myself.. are these supposed to be my responsiblities?

I was born with a weak personality yet I have no fatherly figure to look up to when I was young. Trust me it's really tough when I was trying to adapt.

Why do I always compare myself with my friends' families? I know different people have different problems.. but I just can't help it. I'm capable of escaping my problems or deny them.

I'm so tired of life and I'm a fucking coward. Sick of myself. I need to perform to society's standards because I have to. I'm a typical product of this society.

Too many problems to handle, too many plates of food on my hand. I'm choking.

Clinging to the belief that the phase is always difficult and I will see the end of light one day.

I must do it. I can do it. And I will do it.

Suddenly, I find myself in this territory of mine. A territory which I once penned thoughts since 8 years ago.

8 fucking years.

These years I have grown so much, and especially so during my 2 years in National Service. I've finally served my 2 years due as a Singaporean, and am now officially a civilian.

And as I look back in my archives, I've lost touch with blogging about my views and life for a year. I've been active on Facebook and Twitter, but I have plans to start blogging again.

So much things have happened during the year; my trip to Australia, my backpacking trip in Japan, and so much more.

Allow me to familiarise myself into the world of blogging. I'll be back.

hello world. it's 3am in the morning, and i'm in the bus on the way home. it's a perfect night to emo, to excogitate, and to really think what i want.

it's going to be a year before i officially move on to the working society. we urban people seem to have this thinking: we want to earn as much money as possible, settle down and have a family, houses etc. people spoke to me about their dreams, materalistic ones of course. they believe they want to start work as soon as possible, and be extremely career minded.

why am i not one of those who has such thinkings? i believe that one should do the things he likes because sometimes by the time you reach 50, illnesses associated with ageing will find you, and you no longer have the energy to do the things you want. what's the point of earning so much money, only to spend on the medicine on our illnesses in later years.

is this a cycle that everyone has to go through? i would rather spend my time backpacking and understand the culture of people around the world. i want to lead an enriching life, not a luxurious one.

i read about an article regarding the top five regrets from peoples' deathbeds, and among them was actually regretting spending too much time at work and neglected their childrens' youth.

isn't it a very sad thing?

it's just some random food for thought..

Defensive.

Soon, it's going to be a year, the rite of passage which every Singaporean man has to go through. Reflecting back, I missed my section, with the hardship that we endured for months. I've met some amazing people and I'm thankful for that.

The training changed my physique drastically, and I've always thought of the times we helped each other with the physical training, and the shit we suffered.

Now that I'm in a different place, I no longer endure such trainings anymore. I don't have a buddy. I no longer know what's brotherhood. Camaraderie? Teamwork? These words are not in my dictionary for this phase of my life.

What I've learnt, is the brutal way of life: escaping responsibilities, shooting "arrows", superiority etc. I've become selfish.


I used to be altruistic, but what I realise is that people trample on you when they see your kindness. I used to help people, but all I got was scoldings and lectures from the other party who didn't get their facts right when it isn't my fault at all.

I became angry angsty, and got irritated easily. I begin to adopt a defensive personality which carries on to this day. I want to be true to myself, but sometimes, you learn the hard way and you have to adapt to circumstances.


Fuck this, how I wish it's next year, because I'm tired of everyone here.

i will continue to love you, but perhaps it's really time to move on, and a bit of me still clings on. i love you sok pheap.