Rest in peace, granduncle..

It was one of the saddest moments of my life. While others were busy celebrating Deepavali, my family received a call, saying that my granduncle had bitten the dust.

His untimely death sent shockwaves throughout the whole family, because no one expected him to die.

He was warded at Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) because his leg was swollen and started to turn black between blocked veins due to smoking. Being a heavy smoker and a heavy drinker, he became hysterical in the bed and had to be tied up because he was suffering from the withdrawal symptoms of not having to be able to feed his addiction.


During the last few days of his final moments, he insisted on being discharged and went back home. On the last day, he became breathless and very weak. He refused to allow my aunt to call the ambulance. He wanted to die at home.

The saddest thing was that he wasn't able to see his younger daughter. His immediate family was asking him to wait a while longer. But it was not meant to be. His younger daughter rushed down, and was athe foot of the block when he took his final breath. He died with his eyes opened.


When I went to the funeral and saw his lifeless body in the coffin, my body and feelings succumbed to numbness. My mom started weeping, but I just stood there. I could still think that a few weeks ago, he was fine. But suddenly here I am looking at him, dressing smartly and sleeping peacefully.


But the breaking point for me was when my grandfather started to reminisce their childhood memories with his younger brother and started crying. I've never seen him cry in my whole 19 years of life, and the impact was so overwhelming that I simply broke down and cry.


This is the first time that death has occured to my family/relatives as far as I knew, and I wasn't really prepared for this. Why? Why did the Grim Reaper took him away? Or should I say cigarettes took his life away.

I'm still trying to get into terms with his death. It pains me to see that my grandfather, my dad, relatives and friends around me are smoking. I wondered what if they fall victim to smoking just like my granduncle did?

Has it ever occured to them that their actions may cause hurt to their loved ones?


I seriously do not know nor imagine what will happen this Friday, when they will have to cremate my granduncle's body. I simply cannot imagine my granduncle turning into ashes.


Rest in peace granduncle, we will be able to take care of your worries and problems from your departure. We will all miss you.



SIDE NOTE: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE WHO DECIDED TO GO TO MY GRANDUNCLE'S STALL AND MAKE A MESS OUT OF IT. IF THERE'S A FEUD, BURY THE HATCHET YOU FUCKERS. SOMEONE'S DEAD AND THE FAMILY IS GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME. YOU EVER HEARD OF SOMETHING CALLED "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND?"

YOU EVER HEARD OF KARMA?

STUPID DREGS OF THE SOCIETY AND A LIABILITY TO MANKIND.

Disastrous Deepavali.

I'm too distraught to even type. Hopefully I can compose myself soon.

I never expected it to happen. It was way too sudden.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to Jia Yi.

A life without a strong faith.

Please note: Before you read, it is important to know that this is a sensitive and controversial topic, and that this entry has no intention of altering anyone's view or perception. Offense to people is purely unintentional and the writer is giving his point of view. Should you feel offended, please leave the site immediately. Thank you.




As a Scorpio, I tend to probe into the depths of life, questioning my purpose and existence on Earth.


What am I here for? Why do I have the ability to think? What happens when I die? Why am I born like that? Why am I a human being? Why am I born in this family? What is the true definition of life?


Whenever I starts to contemplate about these incomprehensible questions, I get myself too affected and I can be on the brink of being crazy.


I'm sure I'm not the only one who contemplates such questions, but I believe people turned to faith because they couldn't find answers in life.


There was once when my dad asked me:


Dad: What do you think of religion?

Me: I don't know, but scientifically speaking, religion is something that people chose to believe in the ancient days when they couldn't find answers when something occurs and they cannot explain it. So they believed in things such as mountain gods etc.



Despite being brought up with a faith in Taoism/Buddhism and that I frequently go to temples on weekends, my faith isn't particularly strong. I prayed because I respected, and I prayed because of my selfish personal gains of being hoping to be granted good grades for examinations and personal safety.


The old always contemplates where they go after they die. Will they just die and sleep forever? Will they become spirits and go to Heaven or Hell?


No matter what religion you believe in, no one can 100% be certain where you will be going when you die. Different people gives you different answers. There isn't a fixed answer for it. No one knows for sure.


I once read in a blog which has the particular conversation:


"Prove to me that God exists."
"Prove to me that he doesn't exist."


How powerful. Both questions cannot be proven, because there isn't really concrete evidence, at least to me.


Even up till now, I'm still unable to seek answers (although I don't think I ever will.), but still prays to God.


I mean, it's nice to think that we are created by God, and everything included the universe are created by God.


Sometimes when I see people dying from famine and diseases in TV, I always would like to question:

"Where was God when these people needed them?"



I've witnessed possessions and ghosts, and I do believe in them. But sometimes, seeing is believing and I don't want to believe faith blindly. Imagine believing in something and being devoted for all your life, only to know that it doesn't exist.


So far, the only thing that I truly believe is Karma, because it makes a lot of sense and logic to me, and it answers a lot of my questions in life.

I also accepts the fact that we'll never know when we will die. I would never know what will happen to me tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week, next month, next year etc.
I mean, you will see dead people on the news, whom probably died of accidents, diseases and other factors. These "sudden" incidents have one common thing in them.

They never get a chance to say goodbye to there families.


That's why I think it's always good to prepare a death note, just in case if anything untowardly happens to you.



But for now, I'm just a person who prays for the sake of it, and doesn't have a very strong faith in my religion.



I would still choose to believe in God, but I'm still looking for the right direction, and the right path.

Tonle Sap Floating Village.

The Tonle Sap Floating Village is concentrated at the Tonle Sap Lake, which is the largest lake in Southeast Asia. In the monsoon season, the Tonle Sap Lake is more than 1000 times bigger than the size of Singapore.

This is also the lake where it drowned 5 young Singaporeans from the Singapore Dragonboat Team in 23 November 2007, and it was believed that the Singaporeans were caught by strong currents and trapped underneath the pontoon.

Anyway, we visited this lake, which is one of the attractions in Cambodia. You have to rent a boat to bring to to travel around this place.

The rows of boats.

These people practically lives in the floating lake, and everything revolves around the lake. They move around using small boats as a means of transportation.

Manually rowing the boat.

In order to make a living, some of them sell stuff directly to us. What amazes me is that despite some of the strong currents, they have the energy and stability to prevent their stuff from dropping, and continuing to go against the current.

"Any drinks for you? Only US$1!"

Despite the danger of crocodiles lurking around, they are not deterred and continue to live in the area. No matter what, it's always dangerous because fishermen can go out to fish and never come back alive.

Living near vegetation can attract crocodiles.

I'm still amazed by their way of living.

We were lucky enough to pass by a wedding ceremony happening at the Tonle Sap Lake, with a lot of people crowding together in a single boat.

We exchanged greetings and hand gestures!

Anyway, the kids in the floating village have to travel to school by boat. Their school is built on the lake itself as well.

Education in the lake.

Another thing which amazes me is a church is built on the sea as well!

Imagine travelling to the church by water!

It's a pity that we couldn't go in to any of the private homes, if not I could take more pictures. I really respect these people!

YEP Team: The Bimbotic Team.

The Youth Expedition Project Team (YEP) team is one that I'll never forget. Coming from various specialised schools, we came together for one purpose; Voluntary work.

Despite differences and different backgrounds, we managed to hit off because we've got a sense of humour. Well, most I guess.

That's why it's called the bimbotic team. I think I started calling everyone a bimbo whenever they do some actions and yes, it spreads like influenza.

The definition of bimbo is way too loose in this context, but we didn't cared. We were like: "Bimbo lah you!" , or "Oh my god, what a bimbo!" etc.

The bimbos.

And I'm going to introduce you to some of them.

The Beautiful Beulah.

Look at her dazzling eyes.

She's arguably one of the cutest lecturers I've ever seen. She tends to jerks her head when she laughs, and I tell you, it's so contagious, you'll probably crack up within seconds.

I could still remember when we're in the airport going to Cambodia, and she randomly said something like:

"Oh my god, James you're so cute! I'm scared that they will kidnap you in Cambodia!"

And continued laughing...

And I also had another teacher-in-charge called Mr Vin.

Ms Beulah and him was having a conversation and it goes something like:

Ms Beulah: Wow Vin, I didn't know you are so clever!

Mr Vin: Oh, tell me something that I don't know.

*Ms Beulah continues with her contagious laughter*

What a classic.

And we have Sheu, a super duper busy guy who's involved in so many events!

Sheu, who's a midfielder playing for S-League Football.

And Yiting, who's my "sister". We were acknowledging each other as siblings for fun, because there was this person who thought we looked like siblings, when we obviously do not look alike.

So when we went around telling the Cambodians that we're siblings, they believed us!

Yiting is anoutgoing and sporty girl!

It is also the time when I learnt how to play some of the games which some of them contributed. Aside from computer games, even simple hand games are really fun!

I think we're rather united, as we dine and play together...

Some candid and posed shots!

In central market..

Bimbotic Bavani!

Fun people!

We look like statues of Angkor Wat.

The Battle betwene the guys!

Leona, Whitney and Mariah!

Some names we gave ourselves! HAHA!

I just wanna thank each and every one of you for the fun experiences, and that I miss every single one of you. The bond is still as strong and I look for even more memories with you all!

Some updates..

I've been blogging about the trip to Cambodia for quite some time, and I'm left with a few posts related to it. A very big thank-you to those who felt my writing in the posts were good, and I will continue working on them.

I've been nursing a severe throat infection for the past 2 weeks, and I finally had to see a doctor because chinese medicine didn't give much of a help. It affected my voice and appetite. I felt so lethargic and weak.

When I'm glad it's finally over (or so I think), here comes the best part: Catching the flu virus.

Flu is common with me, but when it's severe, you just felt like dying. My eyes felt really tired and my body fely so weak.

The worst part is when my nose starts having an orgasm every single time, (I mean sneezing and mucuous), I nearly took the kitchen knife to chop off my nose out of desperation. Ok, I am kidding but it was really that bad.

Anyway, everyone has been asking me about my weight etc, and I can only say that I lost weight. My waistline has plunged but my stomache doesn't seem to shrink as much.

Just in case some of you don't believe me, here's a recent photo of me:

I'll try to find time to post up new entries soon.

The Children of Promise.

They say children are the most beautiful creatures in the world. I cannot agree more. The children that I've met in Cambodia are so cute and beautiful.

They're the Children of Promise, promising children that would be moulded into the leaders of Cambodia. But for now, children will be children.

Their laughter, their smile, their innocence, and the memories shall not be forgotten.

Look deep into their irises, it speaks of their purity in their hearts.

Look at their smile, it speaks of their joy they have.

Listen to their laughter, they're the best sounds ever been made.

Through the lens of the Fujifilm F50fd camera, may I present to you the Children of Promise:

"What children take from us, they give...We become people who feel more deeply, question more deeply, hurt more deeply, and love more deeply." -Sonia Taitz.

Thanks for the joy and laughter that you've given us.

Stay healthy and safe!

To Shi Li, Wei Chong and Ivan..

I don't do quizzes, but since these friends are such nice people, I thought I have obligations to do the quiz, and I love them.


This post is dedicated to them, and if you're interested in what I type.. do continue to read.

1. The people who tagged:

Shi Li, Wei Chong and Ivan

2. Your relationship with him/her is:
The 3 of them are my friends.

3. Your five impressions on him/her:

Shi Li - Thoughtful and mature lady.
Wei Chong - Thoughtful, strong and childish (in a good way).
Ivan - Affable and comical.

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you:

Shi Li - Organising a trip with friends to send me to the airport!
Wei Chong - Organising a trip with friends to send me to the airport, and organising a birthday celebration when I was in Secondary 2. He even gave me chilli crabs!
Ivan - He helped me pass my NAPFA 2.4km!

5. The most memorable thing that he/she had said to you:

Shi Li - We should treasure the times that we had.
Wei Chong - Lun, organise diving leh!
Ivan - LUNLUN!

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will:

Impossible.

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be:

They're good and bad in their own way, and I respect that.

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will:

Understand the root of the problem that turns him/her into my enemy. Gonna bury the hatchet, and let bygones be bygones.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be:

Don't think it's possible.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is:

Nothing at the moment.

11. Your overall impression of him/her:

Shi Li - Nice and riendly!
Wei Chong - Fun guy to be with!
Ivan - Comical and likes to act dumb!

12. How do you think people around you will feel about you:

No idea. Maybe funny and lame?

13. The characters you love of yourself are:

Empathy and Emotional.

14. On the contrary, the characters you hate about yourself are:

Ignorant and proud.

15. The most ideal you want to be is:

Shed the kilos, and be healthy.

16. For people who cares and likes you, say something to them:

Thank you guys for all you've done, and I love every single one of you!



P.S: I don't do quizzes anymore but will subject to change.

When Cupid strikes in Cambodia..

A few weeks ago, I mentioned about fallen in love with someone in Cambodia, now I'm going to elaborate more..

It just came natural, or should I say Cupid striked me with an arrow..

It's been a while since I've been attracted to someone. We were playing games in a big group, and our eyes just locked into each other. We would burst into laughter and smiles when we caught each other looking.

I asked her: "What's so funny?" And she didn't answered, continuing to laugh away.

That was when I found her really cute, her smile really beautiful, and at that point of time, the one for me.

The feeling of protecting her was incredibly overwhelming for me, and all along I thought it was a one-sided love..



May I present to you, Sok Pheap..

Me, Sok Pheap and her friend. (From left to right)


I thought this was the last time I saw her because we ended our programme with the Boys Brigade Learning Centre (BBLC), that's why I took a picture with her (above).

I thought my one-sided love could end like that, but it didn't.


On the last day at the orphanage, she came down specifically to pass me an envelope. She kindly requested to take a photo with me, and my Fujifilm camera miraculously resurrected itself despite its battery went dead, I managed to take one last final photo with her before she hurried back to study.




The only photo that's only the two of us.


When I was in the bus during that tearful departure from the orphanage, I looked at the beautifully decorated letter, and being multi-lingual, her first paragraph written in Chinese was:


"Hey! I want to tell you. I like you very very much!"

At that point of time, I had a mixture of disbelief and shock. I was like.. What? I didn't know she like me as well!

But I knew fate was fooling with me. Why is it that it was the last day that I knew that she liked me as well? And by the time I knew it, she had already left. Mutual feelings in a relationship is hard to come by, yet I still encounter this kind of stuff.

I was considerably in a love triangle as well, because there's another Cambodian girl who liked me as well and gave me a bracelet. She even came down to my guesthouse to look for me during the weekends, and at one point, waited for like 3 hours? But she's a nice person and I thank her for that.



Anyway, when I reached Singapore and took quite a while to settle down, I finally emailed her:


"Hi Sok Pheap! Sok-sa bye!

I am James, and I just want to thank you for the letter and gift you have given me.

Do you know that I like you too? I love that beautiful smile of yours, and I was attracted to you when you were laughing and smiling when we both look at each other.

Anyway, how is your life? You must study hard okay? I hope I can go to Cambodia soon! "

-James


And finally she emailed me this:


HI James
ha ha! i sok-sa bye too. james Do you know? i think you maybe for got me. because you never email me. but now i got your email. ;when i see it very very happy that you still remember me. hey i still remember your smile very very handsome . you too must study hard. keep in touch okay? you must kepp your smile na. i think you can attract all of the girl haha!

with love
from sokpheap



Perhaps we could never be together ever again, but I'm really glad that she crossed into my path and I'm thankful for that. When I go back to Cambodia, I will look her up. But right now, I'm contented to keep in touch with her via email, and still be friends.

If everyone cared..

More often than not, it is very difficult to find a song that is good to listen with impactful lyrics. It is even difficult for the song's music video to last an impact.

Nickelback's If Everyone Cared is such example. It's a pretty old song, and some of you might have heard of it before. But have you seen it's music video? Among the hundreds of music videos I've seen, this song is the most impactful so far.


Do take a look at this influential and inspirational video:





Lyrics:


From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singingAmen I, I'm alive
Amen I, I'm aliveAnd in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen I'm alive
Singing Amen I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied

If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died




To learn more about these events:

Live Aid
Betty Williams
Amnesty International
Nelson Mandela

The stories of Cambodians.

This is a written entry of an experience, which I believe I will never forget for the rest of my life. It is also at this point when I was granted entry to some of the Cambodians' livelihood, their ambitions and their attitude through their stories.

It significantly changed some of my views and my take in life.

Please note that the stories you will read are entirely non-fictional and non-fabricated, and that it is written from what my memory serves me.

1. Dreams are kept alive if you believe in them.

The person in striped shirt (Let's call him Phun.) is a tuk-tuk driver who drives tourists around Siem Reap. He also works in our guesthouse, Home Sweet Home.

Phun told me of his background, and the things about Cambodia. His parents are farmers who live in the countryside, and he says that the farmers are very poor people who cannot take a break to go elsewhere because they simply have no time to do so.

He wants to earn lots of money and doesn't want to be under control of anyone. With the gift of the gab, and a good command of English, I believe he can go far.

Sar, (the one in the foreground) is currently studying at Southeast Asia University in Siem Reap. A promising singer who got in second for the national singing competition, he had performed in national television before! He could have gotten further with his singing career, if not for some restrictions that he have to study in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia.

Aside from the picture above, there was this Cambodian girl in the Boys Brigade Learning Centre (BBLC) asking my teacher-in-charge, Ms Beulah about some matters. Apparently, she has the ambition of being a doctor and consulted Ms Beulah, who has been in the healthcare sector for 27 years.

The guy above, (Let's call him Kun) comes from a small province near Phnom Penh. Unable to find a job in his province, he tried his luck to find a job in Siem Reap, which he landed one in Home Sweet Home.

At the age of 24, he has worked for Home Sweet Home for 2 years, the same amount of years which he hasn't returned home.

When I asked Kun whether he misses home, he says he does but he cannot go back because he needs to make a living.

2. In the midst of darkness, there's light.

This kind old lady who cooks for us lunch during weekdays have an untold history behind her. On the surface, she looks like any of the Cambodian people that we meet. But I never expected something coming from her family:

All of her 17 family members are killed in the Khmer Rouge, and she and her brother were the only ones alive.

Khmer Rouge happened in 1975, whereby it destroyed every single aspect of the Cambodians, and killed 1.5 million people.

Her brother, who found faith in Christianity wrote two books about the Khmer Rouge and forgiveness. He managed to track down one of his family members' killers recently, befriended him and gave him a garland and a bible. He forgave him.

Before his confrontation with the killer, he had went to find his sister (the one who cooks for us) to tell her about it. She was afraid that her brother could be killed during the confrontation. But thankfully nothing happened.

The old lady's daughter often goes to the Boys Brigade Learning Centre (BBLC) to learn more stuff everyday.

This guy, (let's call him Khan) is a bartender that I met in Island Bar which was located at the Night Market.

He's only 22 years old, and has a wife and a 2 year old daughter and comes from a province near Phnom Penh.

A very hardworking young man, he came to Island Bar to learn more about juggling and those fancy tricks that bartenders usually do. He also learns English and do some magic tricks, which I'm so impressed with.

Initially, his wife and daughter came to Siem Reap to look for him, but later returned back to their province because his pay wasn't enough.

His meagre pay is only a mere US$100 (SGD$140) per month.

This is despite working for a few years already. When he was a trainee, he earned like US$15, US$30 per month.

He needs to pay his room rental of US$50 per month, and he's only left with US$50 to survive. He could barely make it and there wasn't any savings at all. I don't know how he can survive with so little money, given that he still got his wife and his daughter to feed.

When I told Khan I was from Singapore and that I told him to save up to come to Singapore and make a living, he said something which I could never forget for the rest of my life. I never felt such a sentence so impactful:

"James, I think even if I work all the way until I die, I will never be able to come to Singapore."

And now, he could only hope that as he learn more stuff, his pay will increase as time goes by.

Even as I finish typing this, I'm feeling very emotional right now. The sight, the tone, the words the eyes and most importantly, the experience is still ringing fresh in my mind. It felt so surreal.

These stories, these livelihood, these people made me feel so ashamed of myself.

Some of these peoples' family members have been killed.

Some of these people struggle to make ends meet.

Some of these people have ridiculously low pay.

I used to be one of those people whom complained about Singapore's hot weather, how terrible Singapore is, how restricted Singapore can be, and most regrettably, complaining about where I came from.

And to think that I have a complete family, where struggling to make ends meet is nothing compared to them, and I can easily get more pay than them.

I feel so ashamed of myself. What was I even thinking? I made a promise to myself, which is to visit them and help them when I have the money.

I knew the spelling of the word f-o-r-t-u-n-a-t-e and t-r-e-a-s-u-r-e.

Now, I finally know the definition of these words in my dictionary.