Last year during December, I wrote about this post:
http://jameslancer.blogspot.com/2009/12/could-this-be-my-break.html
It talks about my goals as I approach the end of the final semester, before I finally graduate.
I promised myself, that I'm going to strive to work hard from the early semester, and my goal? To get into the Director's List.
Fast forward till today, when I got my results:
Project 5 (Final Project) = B+
Communication Skills = A
Design Seminars= P (Pass)
There was no Director's List, and to be real honest, I was expecting an A.
I had people telling me how impossible it is to do a magazine, but I did it.
I had people coming up to tell me how fantastic Scubazine is, and I had lecturers telling me how good it was.
I had people telling me that Scubazine doesn't lose out to those Scuba Diving magazines out there.
Some lecturers told me it was ambitious to do 72 pages of a magazine. But I managed to do it.
I had lecturers telling me I should be proud of my work after my presentation.
I had lecturers telling me my presentation stood out from the rest.
Some strict lecturers even told me that I did well, lecturers which I never expect them to said something like that.
WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED IN THE END THEN?
You know, ever since my attachment woes, I PROMISED MYSELF THAT I WILL DO MY VERY BEST, AND THAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE IT NO MATTER WHAT, TO PROVE TO PEOPLE AS WELL AS TO MYSELF THAT I COULD DO DESIGN.
All those compliments and remarks, IT MADE ME BELIEVED THAT I REALLY MADE MY MARK.
But no, all I get is FULL DISAPPOINTMENT simply because I raised my bar level too high.
I KNOW MY DRAWING SUCKS. I KNOW MY PAINTING IS TERRIBLE. AND ALL THESE WHILE IN YEAR ONE, I STRUGGLED. AND I GOT A TERRIBLE GPA OF 2.
BUT WHY IS IT THAT HARD WORK DOESN'T SEEMS TO PAY OFF? I WORKED HARD SINCE YEAR 2, BUT IT NEVER HELPED.
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY BREAK, IT NEVER WAS.
Maybe I wasn't cut to do design. I shouldn't have put in so much effort, because what I exchanged was were disappointment that is currently overwhelming for me to handle.
I'm still in a state choked full of emotions, and I'm a broken man with damaged confidence.
WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE ALL OF THESE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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