hello world. it's 3am in the morning, and i'm in the bus on the way home. it's a perfect night to emo, to excogitate, and to really think what i want.

it's going to be a year before i officially move on to the working society. we urban people seem to have this thinking: we want to earn as much money as possible, settle down and have a family, houses etc. people spoke to me about their dreams, materalistic ones of course. they believe they want to start work as soon as possible, and be extremely career minded.

why am i not one of those who has such thinkings? i believe that one should do the things he likes because sometimes by the time you reach 50, illnesses associated with ageing will find you, and you no longer have the energy to do the things you want. what's the point of earning so much money, only to spend on the medicine on our illnesses in later years.

is this a cycle that everyone has to go through? i would rather spend my time backpacking and understand the culture of people around the world. i want to lead an enriching life, not a luxurious one.

i read about an article regarding the top five regrets from peoples' deathbeds, and among them was actually regretting spending too much time at work and neglected their childrens' youth.

isn't it a very sad thing?

it's just some random food for thought..

Defensive.

Soon, it's going to be a year, the rite of passage which every Singaporean man has to go through. Reflecting back, I missed my section, with the hardship that we endured for months. I've met some amazing people and I'm thankful for that.

The training changed my physique drastically, and I've always thought of the times we helped each other with the physical training, and the shit we suffered.

Now that I'm in a different place, I no longer endure such trainings anymore. I don't have a buddy. I no longer know what's brotherhood. Camaraderie? Teamwork? These words are not in my dictionary for this phase of my life.

What I've learnt, is the brutal way of life: escaping responsibilities, shooting "arrows", superiority etc. I've become selfish.


I used to be altruistic, but what I realise is that people trample on you when they see your kindness. I used to help people, but all I got was scoldings and lectures from the other party who didn't get their facts right when it isn't my fault at all.

I became angry angsty, and got irritated easily. I begin to adopt a defensive personality which carries on to this day. I want to be true to myself, but sometimes, you learn the hard way and you have to adapt to circumstances.


Fuck this, how I wish it's next year, because I'm tired of everyone here.

i will continue to love you, but perhaps it's really time to move on, and a bit of me still clings on. i love you sok pheap.

Hey. (Not really in an excited tone.)

I like to pen down thoughts in this hour, it feels great. You know, recently I've known that one of my friends write about his experiences everyday in a journal without fail. I was kinda surprised that people still do that, and he reasoned that each entry he makes in his journal, he would read it some other day, because he might interpret it differently.

For example, if I'm angry and I pen down my thoughts, it will be a different kind of feeling when I read it some other days later, when I'll probably be in a different mood.

I thought it was a pretty good idea, though I might do it too. Perhaps blog is enough? :)


Oh yes, I went to India for 3 weeks some time ago. It was actually a cultural shock. But the impact was there. Too bad I was there not as a tourist, but I would love to visit India again. It's really amazing.

You know, it's been a terrible week for me. Someone whom I thought I was right to trust, I guess I was wrong all along. But perhaps there shouldn't be blame at all.

Maybe it's just a vicious cycle.

I'm still feeling a bit lost every now and then, but I hope I'm getting there. I guess I need a nudge in the right direction.

Did I mention about this dream I had yesterday? I dreamt that I died, on the battlefield. I proned down when I saw 2 tanks firing at me. I manage to dodge few of its attacks but I still die. I saw this bright white light, and then.. I woke up.

I went to check on the internet, and this is what it said about someone dreaming about ownself dying:

"To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life."

Ah, perhaps that's why..

The thoughts are stuck in the clouds.

I can see cobwebs on my webpage, and little specks of dust here and there. Hmmm, I guess it's time again to visit this old avenue of mine. I know I don't frequently update, but that's because I bottle things up sometimes, and put up ambiguous statuses in Facebook at times..

I wonder what brings me to my blog again, it's like you want to visit a place without a reason. And here I am I guess, listening to Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, and I Look To You by Whitney Houston while typing..

Emo with much reflection on myself I guess.



Some random thoughts......:


One thing I've realise as a Scorpio is that you will always know what you're good at, which is a negative thing if you ask me. I find that when you know that you're good, you no longer work as hard to find out more as you once did, because you know you are damn good. Humility goes a long way, and I have so much to learn from it.


Recently, I've noticed that I've changed because of my environment. Someone who seems to be more bashing verbally and outspoken. I've learned to survive in my environment since 8 months, scolding people if I deem necessary, so that I won't be a victim of bullying. I've become more vulgar, both physically and verbally.

Sometimes, it's like I'm no longer myself. It sorta gets into an identity crisis, because I think it's not me. But on the other hand, I feel that I get shortchanged, and that I put myself in a disadvantage.


Did I mention that I've been having some deep thoughts lately? The desire to ORD, thinking that I have some big plans to earn big money and such. I've been to some gatherings, and I bumped into my little cousins, and I suddenly had this urge to want to earn lots of money to provide tuition and stuff for them, to see them grow into young and promising adults. I think it's partly because I appreciated what my aunts provided for me when I was young and wanted to do things in return, not that I turned out to be a useful guy..


There's this super strong part of me, intending to go backpacking around the world, preferably Europe.. It's just that I have this curiosity that I want to discover the world. People whose lives I've never imagined, cultures that I'm intrigued, and communicating with foreign languages which seems like a challenge.

Going to Cambodia 2-3 years ago left a big etch on my mind (and a girlfriend of course!), and it serves as a reminder for me how lucky I am to be born in Singapore. Moreover, I think I'll be deeply appreciative of these experience and be able to cultivate myself into a better person. It's like the world is waiting for me.


Speaking of which, I seem to be falling into the trap of thinking I'm super knowledgeable, and having a bit of intolerance of people who's different from me, and of course, the failure to understand the importance of prudency. That's very bad, and I'm trying to change. I'm only 21 and I've only completed like 1/4 of my life!!


I'm still a serious person as ever, and I think the FAT old self is being a ghost of me. I'm not trying to sound sensitive, but it does gets a bit irritating when you have friends who keep teasing you about how fat you're becoming since you lost so much weight and stuff. I know I've gained like 2 kg, but trying my best to maintain is getting a toll of my mind, because I kept asking some friends if I looked fat, but they just told me no.


I'm no mind-reader nor a psychologist, but I guess some people just cannot accept change, heck I even had a relative telling me "I can't wait to see you grow back to your usual self!" It's amazing, when you see people show their true colours.


Time has made me lose some friends, and some, no longer close before. You could really see the differences, and it becomes extremely evident.


Oh damn, it's like 3.30am, a timing which I'm rarely awake. and I think I've been blabbering a lot of nonsense. My brain is not functioning properly already and I shall end here. Sorry for the abrupt end, cos I'm too tired!


Just one last quote to share and something which I've been sticking by:

Honesty is the best policy.



Goodnight blog, till then.