I can see cobwebs on my webpage, and little specks of dust here and there. Hmmm, I guess it's time again to visit this old avenue of mine. I know I don't frequently update, but that's because I bottle things up sometimes, and put up ambiguous statuses in Facebook at times..
I wonder what brings me to my blog again, it's like you want to visit a place without a reason. And here I am I guess, listening to Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, and I Look To You by Whitney Houston while typing..
Emo with much reflection on myself I guess.
Some random thoughts......:
One thing I've realise as a Scorpio is that you will always know what you're good at, which is a negative thing if you ask me. I find that when you know that you're good, you no longer work as hard to find out more as you once did, because you know you are damn good. Humility goes a long way, and I have so much to learn from it.
Recently, I've noticed that I've changed because of my environment. Someone who seems to be more bashing verbally and outspoken. I've learned to survive in my environment since 8 months, scolding people if I deem necessary, so that I won't be a victim of bullying. I've become more vulgar, both physically and verbally.
Sometimes, it's like I'm no longer myself. It sorta gets into an identity crisis, because I think it's not me. But on the other hand, I feel that I get shortchanged, and that I put myself in a disadvantage.
Did I mention that I've been having some deep thoughts lately? The desire to ORD, thinking that I have some big plans to earn big money and such. I've been to some gatherings, and I bumped into my little cousins, and I suddenly had this urge to want to earn lots of money to provide tuition and stuff for them, to see them grow into young and promising adults. I think it's partly because I appreciated what my aunts provided for me when I was young and wanted to do things in return, not that I turned out to be a useful guy..
There's this super strong part of me, intending to go backpacking around the world, preferably Europe.. It's just that I have this curiosity that I want to discover the world. People whose lives I've never imagined, cultures that I'm intrigued, and communicating with foreign languages which seems like a challenge.
Going to Cambodia 2-3 years ago left a big etch on my mind (and a girlfriend of course!), and it serves as a reminder for me how lucky I am to be born in Singapore. Moreover, I think I'll be deeply appreciative of these experience and be able to cultivate myself into a better person. It's like the world is waiting for me.
Speaking of which, I seem to be falling into the trap of thinking I'm super knowledgeable, and having a bit of intolerance of people who's different from me, and of course, the failure to understand the importance of prudency. That's very bad, and I'm trying to change. I'm only 21 and I've only completed like 1/4 of my life!!
I'm still a serious person as ever, and I think the FAT old self is being a ghost of me. I'm not trying to sound sensitive, but it does gets a bit irritating when you have friends who keep teasing you about how fat you're becoming since you lost so much weight and stuff. I know I've gained like 2 kg, but trying my best to maintain is getting a toll of my mind, because I kept asking some friends if I looked fat, but they just told me no.
I'm no mind-reader nor a psychologist, but I guess some people just cannot accept change, heck I even had a relative telling me "I can't wait to see you grow back to your usual self!" It's amazing, when you see people show their true colours.
Time has made me lose some friends, and some, no longer close before. You could really see the differences, and it becomes extremely evident.
Oh damn, it's like 3.30am, a timing which I'm rarely awake. and I think I've been blabbering a lot of nonsense. My brain is not functioning properly already and I shall end here. Sorry for the abrupt end, cos I'm too tired!
Just one last quote to share and something which I've been sticking by:
Honesty is the best policy.
Goodnight blog, till then.
