Nobody understands how I feel.

Last year during December, I wrote about this post:

http://jameslancer.blogspot.com/2009/12/could-this-be-my-break.html


It talks about my goals as I approach the end of the final semester, before I finally graduate.

I promised myself, that I'm going to strive to work hard from the early semester, and my goal? To get into the Director's List.

Fast forward till today, when I got my results:


Project 5 (Final Project) = B+
Communication Skills = A
Design Seminars= P (Pass)


There was no Director's List, and to be real honest, I was expecting an A.

I had people telling me how impossible it is to do a magazine, but I did it.

I had people coming up to tell me how fantastic Scubazine is, and I had lecturers telling me how good it was.

I had people telling me that Scubazine doesn't lose out to those Scuba Diving magazines out there.

Some lecturers told me it was ambitious to do 72 pages of a magazine. But I managed to do it.

I had lecturers telling me I should be proud of my work after my presentation.

I had lecturers telling me my presentation stood out from the rest.

Some strict lecturers even told me that I did well, lecturers which I never expect them to said something like that.


WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED IN THE END THEN?

You know, ever since my attachment woes, I PROMISED MYSELF THAT I WILL DO MY VERY BEST, AND THAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE IT NO MATTER WHAT, TO PROVE TO PEOPLE AS WELL AS TO MYSELF THAT I COULD DO DESIGN.

All those compliments and remarks, IT MADE ME BELIEVED THAT I REALLY MADE MY MARK.


But no, all I get is FULL DISAPPOINTMENT simply because I raised my bar level too high.

I KNOW MY DRAWING SUCKS. I KNOW MY PAINTING IS TERRIBLE. AND ALL THESE WHILE IN YEAR ONE, I STRUGGLED. AND I GOT A TERRIBLE GPA OF 2.

BUT WHY IS IT THAT HARD WORK DOESN'T SEEMS TO PAY OFF? I WORKED HARD SINCE YEAR 2, BUT IT NEVER HELPED.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY BREAK, IT NEVER WAS.


Maybe I wasn't cut to do design. I shouldn't have put in so much effort, because what I exchanged was were disappointment that is currently overwhelming for me to handle.

I'm still in a state choked full of emotions, and I'm a broken man with damaged confidence.


WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE ALL OF THESE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!